Something is wrong.
Something is very, very wrong.
The work week started off normal enough. Wednesday I just get to the printer maybe 30 seconds before the back door sounds. There’s a few guys just walking past me, then I see Scott come around the corner. I wait till he’s halfway up the hall to look at him again. He gets to the recycling bin and throws something in, and a smile crosses his face. I turn back to the printer, then back to Scott. We smile at each other, and as he gets closer he takes his sunglasses off and we lock eyes. “Hey, Scott. Good morning.” “Hey, Dana. Good morning.”
I get up to clean my contigo container and before I reach the hall, Scott comes walking out. “You have yogurt on your mouth.” “Great,” he responds. I let him walk a little ahead of me. I rinse out my container as he wipes his face. “Did I get it?” I look at his mouth and respond, “Mmhmm.” I look back at my contigo. I think Scott gets some water and then goes back down the hall.
Scott doesn’t turn to me during my lunch, but no biggie. I happen to be coming up the hall from the women’s room when he makes his tea after his lunch. We talk for maybe 5 minutes or so, maybe a little longer. He’s not too talkative, but I have this nervous energy for some reason, so I keep blabbering. While we talk, I get the feeling he’s thinking something over, but I have no idea what.
Twice throughout the day, I see him grab a fax off the counter next to the printer. When he’s done this in the past he always looks in at me, but today both times he has his back facing me, not even at an angle. Joyce is at the coffee machine the first time and she’s talking to him, so I figure that’s why, and the second time Wendy is in my cubicle talking to me, so again I tell myself that’s why.
I go in Scott’s doorway at the end of the day to talk to him. He didn’t turn to me, but I go into his doorway anyway because I kept meaning to tell him how the mini-fridge was cleaned out before Christmas and how some stuff is in the upstairs fridge. Again, I get the feeling he’s thinking over something as he looks at me. During our conversation, I’m rubbing my neck, which I do all the time because it gets stiff. We keep talking about it and then Scott says he’ll massage it out for me. I grin and say, “Thanks.” I wonder later on if he was flirting with me or not.
I greet Scott again Tuesday morning and nothing seems out of place. He doesn’t turn to me during my lunch though so I don’t go in to talk to him. During his lunch I heat my tea, not realizing his lunch is over. I hear someone coming up the hall with a plastic bag, and when I walk over to use the bathroom, I see it’s Scott. We give each other flirty smiles and I walk into the bathroom. When I turn around, he still has the same look on his face as he watches me. I say, “Hey, Scott” and he says, “Hey, Dana” back to me before I shut the door.
He doesn’t turn again at the end of the day, but I go into his office. We start talking and I say how I have a headache and then say how I pulled a back muscle, which I did do. It’s not too bad and I know it will heal fast. I’m feeling bold so I decide to use this opportunity to say, “I should take you up on that massage.” Scott starts laughing and he has a wide smile on his face as he looks at me. We continue talking and then it’s time to leave.
Today. I greet Scott at the coffee machine. Nothing seems off. He’s already up the hall when I go to get my creamer. We say, “hey” and he has a little flirty smile. As I’m getting done with my creamer, Scott finishes up at the water jug, turns his head, and stares at me for a few seconds. My reaction is delayed, so when I turn to him, he’s already walking away. I go and stock the coffee station and then see there is no paper left in the printer. I use the last stack in the cabinet so I make my 2 trips out to the warehouse to grab paper stacks. Scott looks at me when I come back in from my first trip, though I looked back at him too late.
After using the individual bathroom during my lunch, I head back to my cubicle, and when I’m about halfway down the hall, Scott turns to look at me. He sees me and immediately whips his head back to face his screen. I think maybe he’ll turn again as I get closer. He doesn’t. I go back to my desk thinking about how strange that was, but I don’t put too much thought into it.
Pete and I are both at the printer when Scott comes over to make tea during his lunch. Pete walks away and it’s just Scott and I. Scott turns to face me, his face beaming as he bites his banana and looks at me. We greet each other and I comment how he usually has an apple. He says he’s switching it up today. I happened to walk by his office yesterday as he ate his apple, and I brought an apple yesterday too after not buying any for a few weeks. This morning after I did yoga, I ate a banana, which I usually eat at night. I think about telling him these things, but decide against it because he might think it’s weird I knew he had an apple even though I wasn’t in his office yesterday except at the end of the day. I finish what I’m doing and go put the papers in Joyce’s cubicle, then come out to see Scott dropping a banana string onto the counter. I comment on what he just did and he does his mocking “hah hah hah” then adds “Shut up” jokingly. I laugh and he asks, “Do you really think I’d just leave it?” I joke and say maybe he would. Silence.
I change the water jug by me some time in the late afternoon. I take the empty one out and look in at Scott through his window. He’s got his cell in his hands. I grab a full jug and look back at him. He still pays me no mind. I think nothing of it.
It’s not until the end of the day that it all starts to make sense. I’m just about to get up to grab my lunch bag from upstairs when I hear the coffee machine. I pop out and walk slowly, but Scott doesn’t look at me, though he must see me or at the very least hear me. I come back and as I walk down the hall to my cubicle, I turn my head to the right. Then Scott comes into view walking up the other hall. He is also looking for me. The only thing is, as soon as he sees me, he whips his head to look forward.
So at this point, I’m starting to feel a little panicky. I wait a few minutes and go to the paper bin. Nothing. I have food and my creamer, which I take home with me on the weekends, in the mini-fridge, so I grab those and use the bathroom. I walk back down Scott’s hallway. Nothing. I sit at my desk, waiting for the last 3 minutes to tick by. I give my time sheet to Pete, grab my things and head to Scott’s office. His body is facing his doorway, but his head doesn’t turn until I reach his doorway. He’s rubbing something onto his hands. “Bye, Scott. Have a nice weekend.” He casually tells me to have a nice weekend too and then he looks down at his hands and continues rubbing them. I leave feeling incredibly dejected, wondering what is going on.
I think over the past few weeks and wonder if I’m missing something. I think over how I’ve acted and things I’ve said, and the only thing I can think of that maybe Scott didn’t like was my massage comment. I do what he does and act like he doesn’t exist half the time, and the other half of the time I give him attention. I’m so terribly confused. I only talked to him a few times this week and it was only because I initiated it, not because he showed me he wanted to talk to me. He always turns to me at some point during the week, even if it’s just once or twice. Always. I’m racking my brains thinking what this sudden change could be, and I don’t know. I’ve been in a funk since last weekend, just some situations right now getting to me, but none of it had to do with Scott, and I know that I am not imagining this change with him. Something is off. I can feel it. I hate that it’s Friday. I hate that I have to go all weekend wondering what the hell is up now, what could it possibly be once again. Of course, if Monday it seems to continue like this, at the end of the day I’ll just ask him what is up. My deepest fear is that he’s going to tell me he can’t or doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. That would devastate me. As for the reason why he would tell me that, I don’t know. Maybe he just flat-out doesn’t like me, or maybe I’m too tempting (?), or maybe people are saying stuff to him again, or maybe it has something to do with the mug, or maybe he thinks I’m weird or creepy. I don’t know. I don’t really know too well how I’m perceived by others. Sometimes I think I know, but of course I have no way of really knowing unless someone tells me. Mostly, my view of how others view me is clouded by my anxiety, which seems real to me, so then I just have no idea.
I just hate playing this waiting game. I’ve always hated when this shit happens on a Friday. I don’t have anywhere to be this weekend but I do have a lot to take care of, so hopefully my mind will be preoccupied with other things. I’m just dreading Monday so much already. Not because I have to ask Scott what’s going on, but because I’m afraid the answer I get from him is not going to be one I’ll be able to take lightly.
